The Texture Of Things

Please have a look at this

February 25th, 2009

I want you to see the thing that has kept me from blogging. No, it is not a picture of Tater. I’m not allowed to post those here. (Email me if you’d like to take issue with that.)

It is, however, a side effect of Tater. You see, Tater is always ALWAYS eating, thereby rendering me incapable of typing on my keyboard, so I’m left using this:

osk

It’s called the on-screen keyboard. This entire post was created with it. I “typed” it with no interruptions, and it took 15 minutes. No, I don’t have carpal tunnel yet. Yet.

He’s on a mission from God*

August 7th, 2008

Once upon a time, at a baby shower long, long ago (okay, it was four years ago), I received a gift from my grandmother. I received many gifts, but none of them are remembered quite as fondly by my friends as Bible Bear.

Bible Bear is wired with buttons you can push. Each button is labeled with a bible verse, such as “Gen 1:1.” When the button is pressed, it should play the indicated bible verse in two or three installments. For instance:

Press once, and the uber-perky, youthful boy’s voice shouts, “Genesis! One! One!”
Press again, and he shouts, “In the beginning! God created the heavens and the earth!”

(If the verse is very long, it will be divided into shoutable bits and you have to press a third time to hear the conclusion.)

Or at least this is what it should shout. More often than not, our Bible Bear gets its wires crossed and mixes the verses up. Or, and perhaps more relevantly, it chooses to repeat one bit over and over again, regardless which button you have pressed. In our case, beloved Bible Bear prefers to shout at us, “Romans! 6! 23!”**

For those of you not in the know, Romans 6:23 reads as follows: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Wait. Let me do that again in Bible Bear voice.

“ROMANS! SIX! TWENTY-THREE!
FOR THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH!
BUT THE GIFT OF GOD IS ETERNAL LIFE IN CHRIST JESUS!”

Now we are not, in our little family here, what I would call ‘practicing Christians.’ In fact, one member of this household makes it his or her practice to not practice Christianity. And I do not think of us as superstitious (though I do tend to wonder occasionally if I’m about to jinx myself, which is – OF COURSE – irrational), but I do have to wonder what exactly the bear trying is to tell us. And if my grandmother – my technologically illiterate grandmother – tampered with this bear’s wiring because she had something she wanted to tell us.

For the record, that’s not her way. She has no problem telling us to our faces that if we don’t get right with God RIGHT NOW, we’re in big, big trouble. So, the bear’s verse of choice is probably just coincidence, but it’s a delightfully funny one. Well, in the telling it’s delightfully funny. At the time, the bear was downright creepy. I’m just sayin’.

You might be wondering at this point why I would tell this story today. I will tell you. Though I thought I threw the bear away when we moved to this house 3.5 years ago, yesterday as I dug out stuff for the baby’s room, I FOUND THE F*CKING BEAR.

I have not had a chance to test its buttons yet because I am constantly shadowed by the tot, and I cannot let her see this bear because she will want to keep it and we are SOOOOOO not keeping it. So, tomorrow while she is at day care, I will pull it out and start pushing buttons. If I do not report back within a week, send help. The bear has eaten my soul.

*If you don’t get that this is a reference to the original Blues Brothers movie, I have a homework assignment for you for the weekend: Go watch it.

**And yes, as a football fan I do often want to shout back at it “Hut HUT!”

insert head-wag here

May 14th, 2008

song chart memes
more song chart memes

I’m Such a Pantywaist

March 12th, 2008

I mean, seriously – 19? That’s it?

19

Meme of Eight

August 26th, 2007

I have been tagged by the lovely Schmutzie and as everyone knows, when Schmutzie tags, people meme.

The Rules:
# Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
# The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
# At the end of the post, the player tags 8 people, posts their names, and leaves a comment on their websites to let them know that they have been tagged.

I am changing the rules a bit. Inspired by the Palinode’s True/False format, I am offering facts followed by a quiz.

Let’s have at it then, shall we?

1. I have a tooth that I hate. I’m serious. I hate this tooth. It is one of only two wisdom teeth I have. The other two are impacted and never broke through. Because I got all my teeth late, these came in after I had braces and they came in crooked. This tooth on the right hates me. It juts out toward my cheek, causing me to bite my cheek hard about weekly. A couple of times a year, I bite my cheek so hard that the teeth marks are discernible (by me) for several days.

It is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.

2. I am allergic to Crest toothpaste. If I use it, the roof of my mouth gets hives and itches until I take an antihistamine. Who the hell is allergic to toothpaste? I am. And that is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.

3. We chose to use disposable diapers on the tot (who is, by the way, taking the slowest path possible to potty training), and I became a devoted user of coupons. I will not, under any circumstances, pay full price for any diaper. That is not dumb. But, I recently discovered a really good price at Target on a package size I have never bought, and now because we are almost done with diapers, I regret not knowing about this sooner. That is:
a) frustrating.
b) dumb.
c) not dumb.
d) both a and b.

4. I am fussy about facial tissue. First, I believe it should be called tissue, not Kl**nex, in spite of the fact that I will only buy Kl**nex. That is:
a) weird.
b) dumb.
c) not dumb.
d) both a and c.

5. I refuse to own a grey or silver car. Grey and silver are like automotive camouflage. If I wanted to be hit, then yes – I’d try to blend with my surroundings so as not to be seen; however, since I am decidedly not trying to be hit, I prefer something a little less pavement-colored. That is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.
c) probably not based in rational thought and/or scientific measurements.

6. Though I have worn glasses since 5th grade, I have never worn contacts. Not once. I am afraid of sticking something in my eyes, and on the few occasions I have had to use eye drops, I was nearly paralyzed to get the bottle close enough to my eyes to apply the drops. That is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.
c) weird, considering I’m constantly digging dirt and other irritants out of my eyes.
d) both a and c.

7. I find that the perfect bad-day-and-on-top-of-it-I’ve-got-my-period food for when I’m not craving chocolate is a package of Hostess powdered sugar Donettes. Very fresh, followed by a Diet Pepsi. If you don’t understand, don’t ask because I can’t explain, but when I break down and buy those blessed Donettes only to find that they are not fresh, I get sad, and that is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.
c) really, really dumb, because dammit! I Am On My Period! I Am Having A Bad Day! I Need FRESH Donettes!

8. I admit that although I don’t really understand memes or why they are popular, I generally enjoy them and I always read them through to the end, when the tagged bloggers are announced, but I’m not actually going to tag anyone. That is:
a) dumb.
b) not dumb.
c) worthy of a frownie face. 🙁

Answer Key
1. a; 2. a; 3. d; 4. d*; 5. c; 6. c; 7. c; 8. your call. If you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! Then, comment here and link back to the meme post, because increased traffic is usually not dumb.

*What? Are you judging me? Look at you! You are! You are judging me. Well, of course it’s weird but it is most certainly not dumb. Do you sneer at other people for acting on their desires for quality items? It’s tissue, fer cryin’ out loud. Just be glad that it’s not that sandpaper-store-brand stuff when you come over and need to blow your nose because of my cats, carpet, and dust bunnies.

Would I Fetch More if I Were a Zombie?

July 2nd, 2007

I’m kind of into dead bodies lately. I just read Stiff by Mary Roach, and I recommend it highly to those who are not squeamish and who are curious about dead bodies and what happens to them once they have become dead.

So you can imagine that when I saw this quiz at KLee’s, I had to go do it. Turns out I’m worth more that I thought I would be. Cool.

$5590.00The Cadaver Calculator – Find out how much your body is worth

Mingle2

Highschool Meme, Part 2

July 1st, 2007

Continued from Part 1…

14 If you could go back and do it over, would you?
No. Not in a million, billion, trillion, zillion years. But, as bad as some things were, I generally like who I am and how my life is turning out, so I don’t think I’d wish the past to be different.

15 What do you remember most about graduation?
That I promised my friend Stacy I’d go to the all-night party and I didn’t go. I blew her off. Our friendship was in the end stage, and I think me standing her up sealed that deal.

I remember that the girls had to wear white gowns and the boys black. We had to sit boy-girl, and every boy around me was absolutely dying from the heat. Our graduation was out in the mid-June sun. Oof.

I also remember that I begged my mom to let me not walk. She would not even hear it. I don’t blame her now, just as I don’t blame her for pitching the exact same fit when I begged to not walk at graduation for my undergrad degree. I did not, however, pitch that fit when I finished my masters.

16 Where were you on senior skip day?
In class. The only time I ever skipped was about a week before, when some friends and I skipped out of the middle of the day to go to Denny’s for Belgian waffles. We were all such good kids that we were able to convince them that we had indeed been in class, that there must have been a mistake in the attendance forms. Ha!

17 Did you have a job your senior year?
Working at a car wash. It’s how I learned that any soap not designed for cars (for instance, liquid dish soaps) will ruin your paint finish.

18 Where did you go most often for lunch?
Cafeteria. It’s where I learned to love french fries in ranch dressing.

19 Have you gained weight since then?
Ah, gee whiz, ya think?

20 What did you do after graduation?
Spent a glorious summer with my rock star boyfriend (see item 22), worrying only occasionally about what would happen when I went off to college, 2.5 hours away. Then I went off to college 2.5 hours away and took 5 years to do a 4-year degree.

21 When did you graduate?
H.S. 1991

22 Who was your Senior prom date?
Continued from item 13…
The way my friend suggested a replacement date was to say, “What about Larry*?”

I panicked. It was shortly before class started, so his voice carried through the almost-empty classroom. In the back was a skater boy named Larry, on whom I’d had a crush since freshman year. I tried to stay calm. “Larry who?” I said.

“Larry from my band.” Oh, thank god. Different Larry.

I felt instant relief when he said that, but only for a moment. Larry of the Rock Band was older and didn’t really know me, so I didn’t know why he’d want to go to Prom with me. My friend assured me that at least it’d be someone we both knew and could have fun with. I don’t think he could have predicted that Larry and I would date for, like, a billion years and then get married and have The Tot.

*Larry is a fictitious name.

23 Are you going / did you go to your 10 year reunion?
I always said I wouldn’t go, but I did. I didn’t get a chance to see everyone I wanted to see, but I saw some important people, like Kim, who seemed happy. That alone was worth the trip.

24 Who was your home room teacher?
My school didn’t have a home room system, but my first class of the day was almost always an English class. On purpose. Because I couldn’t possibly take any other subject at that ungodly hour.

25 Who will repost this after you?
Anyone who’d like to.

Highschool Meme, Part 1

June 30th, 2007

Sorry it’s a two-parter. This theme doesn’t allow long posts, and I haven’t fixed it yet.

1 Who was your best friend?
I had two best friends, Stacy and Kim. In stereotypical girl form, at any given moment two of the three of us were fighting, putting the third friend in the middle. I can’t say it led to a lot of social stability for me.

2 What sports did you play?
Ha ha ha ha hahaha. Um. No.

On free choice days in gym class, my friends and I would ROCK the badminton court. I will say I was pretty good at that, but I only made the effort at it because it was safe. No one else wanted to play it but us, so there was never any real competition. Come to think of it, that is pretty much par for my entire high school course.

3 What kind of car did you drive?
Back in the day, Drivers Ed was offered through the school. I learned to drive in a powder blue 1989 Ford Escort hatchback. Ah, good times. My first car was a 1984 pavement gray Ford Mustang.

4 It’s Friday night, where were you?
Pre-car: Home, I guess, or at Kim’s or Stacy’s house. I don’t really remember. If I was home, though, I was on the phone with one of them.

Post-car: Anywhere my friends wanted to be. I was the only one with a car, so I was the taxi. And, as can be expected, I became quite popular with a lot of youngsters, and we spent considerable time at Detroit clubs known for serving underage kids. Hey. Don’t blame me. I didn’t drink since I was driving – at least, that was my story. The truth is I didn’t drink because I didn’t want to get busted drinking underage. Why were we there? Who knows. But the end result is that I was building the necessary social contacts so that I could grow up and marry a rock star. (see item 22.)

5 Were you a party animal?
Ha! Ha ha ha ha hahaha. Um. No.
But I did find the rock club party atmosphere intoxicating in its own right. I was smitten with the idea that a person could be so self-confident that they would play in a band, let alone play a show. To this day I get a little lightheaded, in that dizzy drunk way, when I watch a band I know and love play live. It’s like a contact buzz without the contact.

6 Were you considered a flirt?
I hardly think so, but there might have been times when I came across as flirtatious and didn’t know it or I meant to be and it didn’t work because I had no idea what in the holy hell I was doing.

7 Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Band. French Horn. All the way until my senior year. I quit because:
a) I sucked.
b) Do you know what the music department does to French Horn players during marching band season? We got stuck playing the Flugelhorn. If you think I sucked at French Horn, you should have heard me on the Flugelhorn.
c) C’mon. Do I need a third reason? Um, okay. To piss my mom off. She wanted me to stay in band because, I don’t know, maybe she thought four years of band would keep me from getting pregnant before I got married, or something. Also? It worked. Not the pregnancy prevention, okay well I guess that too, but the pissing-off. When she found out I quit, she went through. the. roof. Through It.

8 Were you a nerd?
For humanities and all sciences that were not Chemistry, yes; math, no.

9 Did you get suspended/expelled?
Nope, but I did do a stint in Summer School. That’s a story for another day.

10 Can you sing the fight song?
No, but I can tell you it was the same as the Notre*Dame fight song and for years after high school, I could sing the Flugelhorn part.

11 Who was your favorite teacher?
Mrs. Hall and Miss Rhode. Both English teachers, and both treated me like a human after my brother died, instead of how everyone else in that school did – like a firecracker that didn’t go off but should go off any second now it should go off but it hasn’t gone off.

12 School mascot?
Mustangs

13 Did you go to Prom?
Why, I certainly did. My junior year, I went with my boyfriend Rob, who was a senior. It is painfully obvious to me that he wanted to have sex with me, and because I was naive, I did not put it together until that night. I honestly thought Prom was just a dance. Too cute for words, huh?

Then, my senior year, I planned to go to Prom with my asshole boyfriend, Jim. He was an asshole. I knew he was not the ideal, Cinderella-Prince Charming Prom date, but he was my boyfriend and I did want to go to Prom, even if it was with an asshole. And he was an asshole.

I don’t remember how it happened now, but we got into a fight, I told him I wasn’t going to take him to my Prom, he said he didn’t want to go anyhow, and I guess we broke up. The next morning, I approached my friend, with whom I had planned to double-date and share a limo, and he suggested a replacement date. For the rest of this saga, please hold until item 22, which will appear in Part Two.

I’m Not Surprised About This

January 12th, 2007


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?


You will be smothered under a rug. You’re a little anti-social, and may want to start gaining new social skills by making prank phone calls.
Take this quiz!


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Nine Random Weird Things About Me

December 5th, 2006

1. I absolutely hate loose or baggy socks on my feet, so HG’s favorite way to keep me from walking away from him (during the winter – I rarely wear socks in summer) is to stand close to me and pin down one of my socks with his toes. No matter how badly I want to get away (you know, smooches and whatnot) I will resist making my own sock loose or stretched out. (This game usually ends in me pulling off both socks and hurling them down the hallway in a snit over ruined socks and HG laughing until he’s got tears in his eyes.)

2. I love cookie dough more than I like cookies.

3. I must count the number of steps in a staircase when I’m going down them. Not up, though. Just down.

4. I am happy to argue, debate, explain grammar, punctuation, and mechanics rules over a meal, out to coffee, while driving to the mall, just about anywhere.

5. I almost always have earrings in, usually small hoops. If I don’t, the holes in my lobes will grow closed even though I got them pierced when I was 6. I know other people whose holes stay open for years, so I don’t know why this is the case for me. It happened when I had my nose pierced, too. The few times I changed the jewelry out myself, I ended up back at the piercing shop because the hole closed up in only a couple of minutes.

6. I can pick up just about anything with my feet and toes. I’m so good that I can often do it even while wearing socks.

7. I refuse to let my cereal bowl out of my sight once the cereal is poured. If I think anything will interrupt me, I will delay pouring the cereal into the bowl until I can commit myself to pouring the milk on and then immediately eating it. The reason for this is an unhappy experience from my early childhood, when I left my Froot Loops unattended for a moment next to the television some Saturday morning. When I returned to it and my cartoons and began eating again, I found a spider riding a Loop. Scared the bejeezus out of me. What scared me more was that I had eaten several bites before spotting her.

8. I went almost three decades before eating Froot Loops again.

9. I used to peek through my calendars to see the pictures for coming months. Two years ago I made a resolution to try not to peek, and I’m proud to say that I have not peeked ahead in a calendar for two years. One weird thing is that it’s really hard to resist. Another weird thing is that I persist at it.

Saw this meme on Rocks in My Dryer and tagged myself. Feel free to consider yourself tagged.

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