The Texture Of Things

Reasons I Hate Dora the Explorer

April 9th, 2007

1. Dora is always screaming, even when she’s just talking. Sure, it’s great the tot is going to learn to count to eight in Spanish today, but only at 89 decibels.

2. Dora’s Map is always trying to kill them. Today, they need to get Roberto the Robot (Roberto? Really? Oh whatever) back to his Grandpa’s house. How does the Map tell them to go?

“Go over the bridge, pass the volcano, and then we’re at Grandpa’s house!”

I’m sorry, what? Map, did you just suggest to my child that she and her friends willingly pass along the foot of a volcano rather than, say, take another equally valid path just through some nearby brush?

Yesterday, the Map sent them through the Echo Bush, across the ocean, to the frog’s island. To get through the Echo Bush, they had to make it say “AAAAHHH!” so they could run through its mouth. Um, Map? Couldn’t they have just gone around it? It barely filled the path. I understand that they could, for once, question the Map’s direction, but c’mon. They’re children. They are looking to authority figures for guidance, and this is what the Map gives them?

Oh my god. I think I need more coffee.


  1. H.G. says

    Yeah! And I can’t wait to hear about Micky and his f@#*ing stacking blocks from his f@#*ing Toodles. F@#* them. And the pogo stick, too…

    April 9th, 2007 | #

  2. admin says

    And I think you need *less* coffee. But yes, although I don’t have any major complaints about Mickey himself, his new show sucks pogo sticks. Then, of course, there’s the perennial complaint about those pantsless ducks. What is up with that?

    April 9th, 2007 | #

  3. H.G. says

    Ok, I’m calm now.

    My beef with Mickey is only based on the current cartoon…. “What can we use to clean the wall with, kids? Oh Tooooooodles… The scrap metal…. the nitrate fertilizer… or the ballons?”

    I guess I’m still bitter…. 😉

    April 10th, 2007 | #

  4. admin says

    What about the Mystery Mouseketool? It’s probably bubbles and then they blow the bubbles and the bubbles all go in the right direction and then they magically emulsify all the dirt before popping, even though they would totally pop the moment they touched the surface, and the wall wouldn’t even need rinsing.

    Or it could be the scrap metal. You know, who can really tell. None of the choices ever really make sense to me.

    April 10th, 2007 | #

  5. KLee says

    Okay now — you’re treading on dangerous ground here! I have not seen the new Mickey’s Playhouse (or whatever it’s called) and it may fully well be as annoying as Dora, but I am obsessed with Mickey Mouse, and I need you to back away slowly from the Mouse before anyone gets hurt. Are we clear? 🙂

    April 11th, 2007 | #

  6. Stephanie says

    I’d just like to know where Dora gets off calling herself an “Explorer.” She’s got a freakin’ MAP, for pete’s sake. With STEP-BY-STEP DIRECTIONS. At best, she’s “Dora the Mapquest User.”

    (On a slightly related note–this Easter brings us the perfect gift for anyone who’s ever wanted to shout: “Bring me the head of Dora the Explorer!”: )

    April 12th, 2007 | #

  7. admin says

    Ah! Dora’s head is coming right for me!

    I think Stephanie wins. But if we examine Dora’s other accessories more closely, we might notice an overstuffed, overpacked backpack, with waaaaayyy too much of everything in it*. I mean, c’mon. Blue ribbons, a skateboard, mittins, a rope, and coins this time, and the next time a hat, a hacksaw, licorice, illegally prescribed Xana*x, and a blanket. Therefore, maybe “Dora the Mapquest User” is really “Dora the International Tourist.”

    *Has anyone else noticed that the backpack has an eating disorder?
    Mmmm! Delicioso!

    April 15th, 2007 | #

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